Y Y's

Today my personal goal is routine….

I got up early and went down to the Y to reestablish my 30 minutes every morning on the demon elliptical machine…..

And the Y would not be the Y without the table full of old gents and blue headed lasses who hang out predawn for 5 minutes of exercise and a couple of hours of coffee and gossip….

Hey pastor, where have you been?

Well, for the last few weeks I have travelled and then the last few days I have been saying good by to my grandbaby…..

Oh, was that your baby that drowned?

And then I found myself stepping into the role of chief explainer and then resident grief counselor to these dear people…..

One guy was angry….

The Baptist deacon pontificated…..

The crippled CPA guy leaned forward with concern……

Another fellow wiped tears……

The blue heads buzzed…..

And I stood there at the Y and discussed the Y…..

Discussed the Y’s of the Y with the Y guys and Y gals…..

People I said, I have to accept one single base line of faith…..

Either Jesus Christ is Lord of All or…..

He is not Lord at all……

He either holds our lives in His hand or He does not…..

People I said…..

I choose faith…..

I choose trust……

I elect the concrete base line of faith that He holds everything in His hand…..

Even our sweet Annaleigh……

He holds our Redonia in his hand…..

While she deals with personal griefs and loss of her baby….

He holds her….

He holds my dear Tracie in his hand….

Though her pain and loss seems insurmountable……

He holds my Tracie in His hand…..

He holds Uncle T and Aunt Calah in his hand…..

Grammy, Popsie’s, Mama’s, PawPaws, and the rest of the family rest in His hand…..

The many who have sent prayers and cares from around the world are cradled in that same hand….

He holds me….

He holds my life…..

He holds my world…….

Calah sings the song, He holds my world in His hand……..

And indeed he does…..

And this morning at the Y…..

The now not so angry Y guy said this is so hard…..

The handicapped CPA  Y guy smiled……

But then I can see this Y guy has had his own series of Y’s to deal with….

The deacon Y guy kept deaconing…..

The teary Y guy was now a smiley teary Y guy……

The blue headed division of Y gals, continued to buzz…….

And me the heart broken pastoral poppy and daddy Y guy…..

Felt once again the peace and comfort of His spirit…..

I left the Y this morning after being Y’d by the resident Y guy & Y gal delegation……

With my faith restored…..

And then amid restored faith…..

Heart rate still elevated from the demon elliptical machine…

I headed home for routine….

And incredible routine headed my way…..

For the phone rang and I set an appointment with a man at the altar this morning…..

So dealing with the Y’s of Y gals & Y gals at the Y this morning…..

I get the help another guy with his Y’s in his personal world….

And after an altar experience this in a little while…..

Y’s will be resolved by the Master…..

His routine….

My routine will be restored…..

And tomorrow a the Y…….

I get to share again with Y gals & Y guys…..

Y choose trust and faith…..

I have faith to believe that a Y guy or Y gal will soon loose their Y’s…….

And Doni & Lolly & Uncle T & Aunt Calah & Poor ole Poppy…..

Will accept our Y’s with faith and confidence and trust….

Please understand….

This writing is so faith filled is sounds surreal…..

However sometime today the questions and hurt will storm back into my spirit…..

I will wrestle with the Y’s all over again….

Yet I know…..

He is Lord of all…..

He holds me…..

He holds my Y’s……

He holds your Y’s…….

He holds all these Y’s in his hands……

And what better place for Y’s is hands with nail scars?

Blessings…..

rks

                                                                                           

Fresh Mercies & Faith

I woke up this morning……

Things were different…..

Oh I know that funerals, broken hearts, empty high chairs & missing hugs make things so different….

But the difference I speak of is not what was missing….

Rather….

This morning fresh faith…

Fresh fire….

Renewed mercies…..

And a brand new renewed confidence in the Holy Ghost awaited me this morning…..

Please understand, this is in no way a pseudo-spiritual denial of my natural grieving with the loss of Sweet Annaleigh…..

But His mercies are new every morning….

He said to his disciples, My peace I give to you….

And some of that peace splashed over on me…….

I know I will weep today when I go by the cemetery…..

In a few moments Redonia will come to the church and I will not get my Sunday morning kisses in the office from Annaleigh…..

But I also know…..

That in about two hours……

This church will begin to lift up its voice in worship……

That worship is already seasoned with so many prayers this week……

And while my faith is renewed and strengthened this morning…..

Just think…..

In a little while, somebody will find new faith, new hope right here in the same sanctuary our Sweet Annaleigh lay last Tuesday night…..

And the same altar area that contained a little white casket, 200 or so floral expressions and toys gone silent……

That same altar will also be renewed and restored…..

Restored into a birthing table of the Holy Ghost…..

Simply put…..

There is a hole in my heart…..

But there is no hole in my faith……

And hell messed up this time…….

Today’s service at CUPC will not be an extended funeral for Annaleigh…..

But today we step into the nursery of the spirit….

New babes will be born…..

Men & women set free…..

The move of the Spirit released…..

And God gets all the glory……

rks

Dancing on Broken Bones

Clouds rolled in yesterday……

Clouds of humanity…..

Human sadness…..

Grief, Anger, Bargaining and so many other emotions……

I pondered the survival of 50 year old evil vs the drowning of 15 month old innocence…..

I rationalized….

I tried to rationalize flowers outside in the neighbors front yard…..

I endeavored placing human parameters upon Redonia and Tracie sitting in front of those flowers……

I carried a big load of pain myself….

Even amid my absolute faith, these clouds pressed in….

I am an absolute believer in divine appointment….

Our Annaleigh had hers last week…..

With or without that ditch of water….

She was scheduled to leave our dimensions into His…..

I have absolute faith the hand of God…..

My faith does not waver…..

But sometimes my faith is not in my feet…..

Moments come when my steps stagger…..

Yesterday was such….

As I lay in the sanctuary in prayer, I felt the thunders and clouds swirling

I cried out….

Lord!!!

I need you…..

I love you…..

I trust you…..

Lord, please hear me……

Lord, please come close….

Lord….

I trust……

Lord…..

I will worship you regardless…….

I will wor…..

I will worsh…….

I will worship you, Lord….

But God my feet don’t want to dance…….

My hands don’t want to clap…..

I want to Lord…..

But my feet and hands today,

Are not cooperating…..

Silence came…..

Sweet presence arrived…..

I have everything under control, He said…..

Silence….

Lord???

Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.  Psalm 51:8

Lord I hear storms and sadness……

But let me hear joy and gladness…….

Lord you took this baby….

Lord you came and got her…..

Lord you broke our hearts…..

Lord, these broken feet and hands that want to, cannot worship you right now….

But Lord, I believe that if you can just let me hear just a bit of joy and gladness…..

These broken feet….

These broken hands……

Will be able rejoice……

OK Lord…..

Tears were running and heart hurting……

Yesterday on the hillside of the spirit I pushed my broken self to my broken feet…..

And danced……

Danced amid pain…..

Danced in the storm……

Danced inspite of death……..

Incredibly I found myself…..

Dancing on Broken Bones……

rks

Where Does The Strength Come From

Somewhere these last few days….

Somehow these last few days….

Strength of incredible magnitude moved inside of me….

That strength moved inside and for a week now has flowed from me to so many others…..

I find myself comforting those who came to comfort….

When the call came of our sweet Annaleigh missing I knew she was gone….

I screamed travelling down the freeway, pulled over to the center median and screamed again, my body and hands trembled, I tried to drive again but could not for fear of traffic, so we pulled over and waited until driving help came……

I sat down in the back seat of the car with Tracie as she frantically pounded numbers into the phone….

Leaned my head back and look up….

I looked up to the hills from whence my help would come from…..

I knew He was up there in those hills……

But he was also in that Toyota for He had come…..

Help and strength is from the hills…..

I leaned a long time ago that time spent in the hills prepares us for those mountains that suddenly raise themselves up…..

For the last two years I have spent more times in mountains and hills than I wish to remember…..

Two years of brokenness and bloody hell…..

War at epic levels…..

I have seen more way too many casualties….

Those I loved like my own become casualties of a war they did not ask for…..

So I took to the hills…..

And when my faith became weak…..

And when my heart became faint……

And just like my Annaleigh who found herself in a PICU ward …..

Hills became my Pastoral Intensive Care Unit…..

Jude 20 became my life support machine…..

But ye, beloved, building up yourselves on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Ghost,……

Much of that hill time was spent at the foot of the CUPC sanctuary stage…..

Face buried in black carpet where the floor ended and stairs began….

There where the rock from the Easter Play gouged a little hole in the carpet,…..

I endeavored to gouge a hole in the darkness that fought to destroy….

There in semi darkness I escaped to the hills of strength……

Little did I know I was really in training for mountain mounting mania….

I took to the hills…..

I took those that dared with me……

And like Moses on Sinai…..

I took some with me and others stayed at the base of the mountain…..

And traversed into darkness, clouds, lightnings and faced rumblings and fears….

These two years I weathered earthquakes that made me sure everything would come apart and come crashing down….

I faced lightnings that brought strobe-like revelation of what went on around me in the darkness…..

It was in those hills God hid me in His clefted place….

He carved me a place in Him to hide….

And it was in those places he passed by and allowed me to see further and more than I wanted…..

I would come out of the hills to find chaos in the camp….

Casualties in the church…..

And I would turn and run again to those hills that I found such strength and help…..

He carved things into the hard stone of my heart and spirit with nail scarred hands…..

He revealed to me past…..

He illuminated to me present…..

He spoke to me of things to come……

It was while lost in prayer….

It was while attempting to build up my own faith and praying in the Holy Ghost that he drew near…..

He drew near and slipped a DVD into his laptop….

And with me in His lap and His laptop topping mine…..

He showed me things to come….

And four months ago…..

He showed me our sweet Annaleigh gone, devoured in our neighborhood……

He showed me she would never come back…..

He revealed to me a torn up Doni….

A torn up Doni that would be OK…..

And then two days ago, I slipped back up to the hills and he spoke….

Do you remember the dream son?

How could I not Lord…..

Do you remember what I showed you about OUR Doni?

OUR Doni!!!!

You said she would torn up but she would be alright,….

Yes, and that is what I have come to say now….

Remember, everything is alright and Doni is going to be alright……

And again those tears of brokenness that have become so common in my escape to the hills ran down and I felt peace and absolute faith…..

Doni is going to be alright…..

When I settled into that car seat and looked to the hills last Wednesday….

I knew Annaleigh was gone…..

I arranged for some money to cover a funeral…..

I stood at a mountain that was way bigger than me…..

But for two years, my hill climbing and wandering had prepped me for the moment…..

I felt settle upon me…..

The weight of my family……

The weight of CUPC…….

The weight of finance…….

The weight a hospital journey……

The weight of funeral…..

The weight of comforting others….

And then from around the world came prayers and cares……

Before I reached the hospital I had been to the hills and back…….

Slipped into the cleft He and I have come to share…..

I silently prayed in the Holy Ghost until we pulled to the base of the incline of the Conroe Hospital ER…..

And that walk up the incline was so easy, because it was not nearly as steep as those hills……

And inside of me was strength……

Help from the hills……

Help from the Holy Ghost……

I knew our baby was gone……

But I knew help from the hills had arrived……

To those who follow this journey with us via these postings…..

Please know where the strength comes from……

It comes from hill top experiences of mercy, love, forgiveness, grace…….

Go with me to the hills today….

And while you are there settle some issues in and with yourself…..

Lay some things down….

Leave things unresolved up there……

Find peace with yourself so you will be able to find His peace…..

Don’t come down until you have wept yourself into His presence……

Build your strength…..

Build your faith……

Pray in the Holy Ghost……

A few weeks ago Trent and I sat in prayer in the sanctuary…..

I told him that if God was trying to see how strong I was then I was ready to say uncle, because in my flesh I was exhausted……

But these last few days…..

My weakness was made strong through him…..

And these  last few days……

I haven’t had to climb hills…..

But the hills…..

The strength of those hills have come down to me……

Well over 3000 attended funeral events this week for us……

Nearly 7000 joined us on the Pray for Annaleigh page…..

1000’s of others have followed and sent prayers via other mediums….

Conferences, meetings, services paused……

Heaven held its breath…..

And strength came…..

The hills came down to me this week……

In a day or so when my physical body can do so…….

I will head back to the church……

I will walk down to my clefted secret place…..

After emptying pockets and silencing phone and setting aside glasses…..

I will place my face in that place where floor and step meet and where the rock gouged the little hole…..

I will settle into the carpet face down…..

And I will run to the hills…….

That is where the strength comes from……

rks

Annaleigh's Place

God has given us a beautiful paid for home ………

The four bedrooms, and living room upstairs is where Redonia and Annaleigh chose to live…

This really worked out well when it came to 24/7 hugs and giggles…..

Doni would bring Annaleigh down every morning singing the little special song……

You will have to wait to hear about the little song…..

Then Annaleigh learned to navigate the stairs and she came down by herself every morning saying…..

Pop pop in her soft high pitch voice..

Or if she thought it wouldn/’t make Poppy upset, she would say….

WaWa for Lolly…..

It has been a few mornings now since she climbed down…..

So I climbed up……

Paused and looked out the big windows across the street I saw the little ring of flowers from the funeral we placed around Annaliegh’s point of departure…..

There in the corner is all the toys stuff from the funeral yesterday…..

I will ring the door bell before I go down….

And walked down the hallway past living room and bath, then three bedrooms ……

I opened the door to Annaleigh’s place…..

It is way to quiet in here…….

Sitting here in the rocker her mother had made for the room, I glance around and remember…..

Brown, hand sponge glazed walls that Redonia and I  painted…..

Bishop was not so sure about what was happening all those months ago and he circled the room that day…..

Bishop circled the room, made a funny sound, then hiked his leg on our paint bucket and roller…..

I think we understood his statement…….

Brown, sponge glazed, love glazed walls…….

$6000+ little bedroom set…..

Mahogany bed, chest, dresser/change table, custom rocker, side tables…..

All laboriously chosen and paid for by her single mom’s sacrifice of love……

I remember the day I was at Target and saw the green and beige 70’s style shag carpet rug and sent the pic to Doni and she insisted I buy and it turned out to be exactly what she wanted for the room……

This same rug was my bed for so many nights while I prayed and fasted for both baby and mother……

It feels heavenly to my toes and feet right now…..

Heavenly in an Annaleigh kind of heavenly way…..

Hanging over the bed is the ultrasound pics, framed and bowed by the young mother who loved Annaleigh so much….

Hair bows clipped on those little ribbon thingies that hang on a big brown heart…..

Head bands banded onto everything…….

The one on my heart is kinda tight right now….

This morning the baby monitor is unemployed…….

Stuffed animals and toys arranged magazine style all over everything……

Annaliegh never kept things so beautiful…….

Diaper genie with no diapers to make disappear……

A stack of Little Golden books that were Doni’s 25 years ago……

Custom draperies and bed set make by a friend…..

The closet is lined with little dresses and beneath that shelves of little girl stuff that sure needs a little girl today…….

An unopened box of Huggies #3……

A single little yellow plastic ball lays forgotten or lost in the corner of the wall and chest …….

Two build a bear boxes…..

1 – 2 – 3 Petunia Pickle Bottom diaper bags…..

On the change table I can see her little yellow Easter basket with opened little plastic eggs…….

Also, a big basket of baby junk, powders, lotions and other junk stuff that babies always have…..

And as I pause to reflect I look up at the chandelier Doni had to have…..

Glass beads with other little glass dingle bobby things with three little tear drop light bulbs….

Doni, when you read this,……

You made her room magazine perfect……

Noise would be nice this morning but so is the peace that permeates the room…..

I know you have not come back in here yet, but…..

I checked it all out and everything is OK…..

OK with the baby’s room…..

OK with the baby’s stuff……..

Her chair sure feels good……..

I make you a promise…….

When you get ready to come in here, Dad will come with you…….

And since I have already made sure everything is OK and insured the rocker still rocks…..

I will rock you in Annaleigh’s little brown rocker……

And soon you will realize His peace is beyond understanding….

Mom’s and Dad’s love is unrestricted…..

And your sweet Annaleigh will live forever in your heart…….

In all of our hearts……

Annaleigh’s Place

rks